Living with a partner or spouse who has been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder is a challenge but it is not insurmountable. If you are willing to put in some work together then you can get through the issues that this disorder causes.
So your partner has a diagnosis. Do you feel relieved? Frightened? Guilty? There are lots of emotions associated with finding out that a loved one has Bipolar. Remember that you couldn’t have seen it coming. You are NOT a qualified psychiatrist. Often you can be too close to a problem to see that the cause could be anything other than unreasonable behaviour and awkwardness. Now you know that there is an underlying medical condition that is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain.
You can’t FIX someone who has Bipolar because they are not broken. There is no elastoplast, or special ointment that will clear it all up. It’s not like fixing a car with a spare part. This is a condition that requires management.
Love and understanding are your most valuable tools.
People with Bipolar tend to be very talkative or very introverted. There aren’t often any in betweens. You’ll have to be a good listener. Either listen to your partners’ chatter (attentively) or listen to their silence. Filling the silent void with talk will not penetrate their mood in most cases.
You should also ‘listen’ to body language. If your partner’s body language isdefensive and says ‘leave me be’ or ’stay away’ then pay attention. Pushing things at this point is, at best, not going to have a positive or productive outcome. At worst you will get your head bitten off.
The mania associated with Bipolar disorder is not just about a euphoric high that leaves the sufferer in a dizzy spin, free falling towards a crash. It also manifests as rage. If your partner is in a manic rage it is important that you do not take it personally. The rage will leave them out of control and this means things will be said that aren’t meant necessarily.
Often Bipolar people will have specific triggers that set off episodes of mania or depression. It will be trying and emotionally exhausting but you should try to identify those triggers together. A mood diary kept together can be a great way to spot whether these triggers are actions, words, music, even food or smells.
Bipolar people experience inappropriate emotional responses to situations that you would not think twice about. This may lead to obsessive behaviour which you are likely to find emotionally, and often physically, exhausting. Just think about how draining this must be for your partner, who has the disorder, and who has no control over this.
On the subject of exhaustion….
A person with Bipolar will often be completely exhausted only a couple of hours after waking up. But they have to keep on going.
Just raising the energy to get out of bed, eat, or wash can be too much sometimes.
Don’t push them too hard by nagging, but you should feel able to make gentle suggestions or remind your partner that they need to look after themselves.
It is heartbreaking, but if your partner is sad, let them cry. Let them ride out the storm of weeping and sobbing for as long as it takes. It is actually quite cathartic. They may seem very small when they are in this state and your overwhelming urge may be to go to them and hold them and comfort them. This may or may not be welcome. Ask before you do so. Sometimes if you smother their tears you prevent them from releasing the emotion that they need to vent.
Cathartic crying like this is actually a positive alternative to more destructive methods of emotional release that bipolars may devise such as self harming, cutting or even suicide.
I am not saying that following this advice is foolproof. I have 2 (pre-diagnosis) divorces to prove that not everyone can live with someone with a mental illness. So you have to be honest. Brutally honest with yourself. If you can’t stay in the marriage or partnership then leave. Do it quickly and don’t drag things out. The longer you draw things out to save their feelings then the more you will hurt them in the long run.
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